Was I wrong to assume that the witch in the “Hansel and Gretel” fairytale was some sweet, grandmotherly character that tricked the kids with delicious food and kind words?
According to “Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters” I was.
The witches in the movie are grotesque, with scare appeal comprised partly of Chucky and partly of creepy-old-lady-in-an-Asian-horror-film. They were well put-together, yes; child-friendly, no.
However, I knew that this fairy-tale spin-off was rated R going in, so I was prepared for the witches popping out, the bloody gore, and the occasional swear.
The opening scene is reminiscent of the familiar “Hansel and Gretel” fairytale, but with the dad leading his kids into the woods in the dead of night, you get the feel this isn’t going to be such an innocent continuation.
The kids are scared and alone and wander into the forest when they spot a house made of candy. The door refuses to budge until they eat some, at which point it ominously creaks open, revealing a dark house. The kids go in, the witch locks them up, and in a tumble of events they manage to escape and trap her in the oven to burn to death.
After that lovely childhood memory the movie flashes to the present, where Hansel and Gretel are hired as witch hunters in the city of Augsburg because of the string of recent child abductions.
This leads to that, witches kill and get killed in graphic ways, Hansel gets a love interest and Hansel and Gretel learn of a “Blood Moon,” which happens once a generation and is highly important to dark witches.
Gretel is also very important to dark witches, and gets captured. This leaves Hansel, his lady friend and a very knowledgeable stalker of theirs to go rescue her, resulting in a climatic and violent machine-gun-and-blowing-heads-off battle.
Seriously? A random magical spell that makes you virtually invincible and a machine gun is how you get your sister back? Isn’t that a bit…easy?
Well, I guess Hansel needs all the help he can get because he requires injections for some bizarre ailment every two hours. No kidding. And witch hunting is the way he decides to go with his life.
I do enjoy these twists on familiar stories, and I don’t regret watching “Hansel & Gretel,” it just could have been done better.
Instead of continuing the fairytale in a really cool, intricate way, writers Tommy Wirkola and Dante Harper wrote an alright plot and made it really violent with some colorful language.
It vaguely reminded me of “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” with the creature-killing hidden talent of a well-known figure and those pop-outs that make you jump. I have a simplistic movie-watching mind and don’t critique movies too closely, but I preferred Abraham to Hansel.
Overall, it hovers around a 6 or 7/10. It was fun to watch, but nothing spectacular. Gemma Arterton’s American accent playing Gretel wasn’t perfect, but otherwise the acting was respectable (yay, Jeremy Renner, AKA Hawkeye!).
If you’re looking for an exciting, fast-paced gothic-fairytale movie to watch with some less delicate friends, it’s a good choice. Just keep kids, the sensitive, and the high-class movie-connoisseur away.
