There’s simply no question about it. When it comes to debating the rivalry between red and green grapes, it’s clearly the red grapes that come out on top.

First off, green is the color of evil, not red. Look at some of the most popular Disney villains: Scar from The Lion King. Cruella De Vil from 101 Dalmations. Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty. All of these villains have some sort of iconic green element, whether it’s alarmingly green eyes, green makeup, or green fire. I’ll spare you the Honors English 1 literary analysis tying these two points together, so just trust me when I say — clearly the color of evil is green, not red. Personally, I don’t want to be eating a grape the color of evil and infected wounds.

As for the aesthetic value of red grapes, look at any charcuterie board. Sure, most have both red and green grapes on them, but which is the star? Which grape is the main attraction? When you pull up to the dinner table, stomach rumbling with hunger, which fruit will you instinctively reach for? The answer to all these questions (and your prayers) is the red grape. It draws you in with that signature purple red color, enticing your stomach with promises of a flavor journey you’ve never experienced before. And the green grape? Boring. Dull. Looks and tastes like apathy.

Let’s tackle the claims my co-writer Nina Rao makes about green grapes. Whether they’re red or green, all grapes have very similar nutritional benefits. However, there is a distinction. According to Lacademie, red grapes have more antioxidants like resveratrol because of their dark skin. If we’re debating over the technicalities of health benefits, red grapes are the superior beings.

I won’t sit here and try to deny the starchy flavors of the red grape skin. In fact, quite the contrary — in my opinion, it’s the starchiness of the outside skin that perfects the flavor. Biting into a red grape introduces thick, starchy tastes from the skin that are soon overwhelmed by the cool, refreshing juices of the grape itself. It’s the perfect combination — one that green grapes simply don’t have.

The evidence hath spoken. In a battle of superiority, it’s the red grape that clearly comes out on top.

(And if Satan and Hades gave birth to a grape, I’d have other questions besides whether it’s red or green.)

The green grape vs. red grape debate has been fought ever since the people of South Caucasus invented grape juice, back in 6000 B.C. But I know these people would agree with me when I say just how infinitely better green grapes are than red grapes.

For starters, the color red essentially symbolizes the evil these grapes are. If Satan and Hades gave birth to a grape, it would be a red one.

People who say they like the look of red grapes are just like those who think newborns are adorable. They’re both lying to themselves.

Not to mention, the taste of green grapes is undeniably better. Green grapes have this tangy, flavorsome punch to them, rich in antioxidants and vitamins.

 Healthline even says “green grapes may help prevent cardiovascular disease”. Notably, Healthline says nothing about the abominations (red grapes) preventing cardiovascular disease.

Finally, the texture of green grapes is so much better. My co-writer Emma Dram even said the skin of red grapes tastes “starchy.” Who in their right mind would want food that tastes starchy? 

No one.

In contrast, the skin of green grapes is firm and provides that aesthetically pleasing ASMR crunch that you find yourself searching for videos of at 3 am.

Though I doubt I need to tell you this, green grapes are undeniably better than red grapes in almost every way. From look, to taste, to texture, they’re simply superior. Even white wine tastes better than red. Not that I, as a 15-year-old high school student, would know. But the people of South Caucasus would. And I’m sure they’d agree.