As a staff we have decided to confront an issue that has loomed over mankind since the dawn of civilization: the spork. No topic has been so divisive; the debates surrounding the utensils have broken up families and led to the crumbling of great civilizations.

The issue has been a constant focal point in our time together as a staff. It is time to lay this iron-clad affair to rest.

The first issue that arises with the spork is its incompetence in the pursuit of a quality soup-eating experience. Although the tines (the pokey part on the end) are helpful in stabbing the solid ingredients of the soup, the broth seeps through the holes of those tines. That is not an ideal soup eating experience.

Some members of the staff also brought up the fact that the spork has no stabbing power. Take for example, most meat products. The fork is a crucial component in the carnivore ritual because of the ability to manipulate the meat by poking through the substance. The spork simply does not offer that sort of ability.

There do seem to be some foods that find a happy medium between fork and spoon, though. Take for example a stew or macaroni and cheese. Foods like these lend themselves to the light poking ability of the shortened tines but at the same time there is an advantage to the spoon-like aspects.

Sporks also offer convenience when space is at a premium. When you only have space for one utensil, the spork could become the ideal instrument for the job. But this calls into question, is the spork a jack-of-all trades or a master-of-none?

A majority of our staff believes that the spork is a forced hybrid of two concepts that have no need for reconciliation. The spoon and fork can coexist without the need for this terrible mutant child. Who, as mere mortals, are we to play God? Did the tools provided to us by our ancestors not satiate our never-ending desire for innovation and efficiency?

On the other hand, mankind cannot hinder the march of progress. All of our lives have been complemented by the scientific and engineering work of great men and women, and the spork is nothing but an extension of that sentiment.

The spork is something out of the Dada art movement; a deliberate rebellion of the traditional. In many ways, though, the spork is counterproductive to that end: it is merely an advancement of our materialistic culture and the reiteration of the middle class.

On the entrepreneurial viability of the spork, the proof is in the pudding. Living in a capitalist society, a product can only survive if people buy it. The mere presence of the spork has proven it to be a feasible product. But just because the spork is bought by consumers does not necessarily give legitimacy to the workability of the utensil.

Although we may not agree with the practicality of the spork, it is obvious that the spork is here to stay. Who are we to stand in front of something that brings an inept niche of the world joy?