There is an epidemic sweeping through the halls of Naperville Central. Everyone has seen its symptoms, but it goes unspoken. It turns your peers into slobbering animals with no regard for decency. Its name? Public Displays of Affection (PDA). Terrifying, I know. There has been a code of silence surrounding this topic, this heinous act, this, this mockery of common courtesy.

Some may say that I am just a lonely cynic. And they are probably right. But I challenge you to find one person who enjoys turning a corner and being greeted by the visceral sounds of couples French kissing so hard you would think that you were in Paris. Or being slowed down by two lovebirds clumsily walking down the hallway holding one another so closely, seemingly superglued at the hip. Or perhaps even having to awkwardly inject themselves into the personal space of a particularly cuddly couple to say, “Please move, you’re in front of my locker” and experience the ugly glares in return.

Something needs to be done. I am not calling for the banning of all PDA at Naperville Central. As happy as that would make me, I understand that it is not completely practical and could potentially cramp the style of many a couple who feel the need to do this at school.

Instead, I have a few proposals to the administration to consider in response to taming this lawless wasteland of PDA:

1. Make a PDA Police. A sort of “neighborhood watch” run and enforced by other students. Armed with warning slips and perhaps some zip ties in case the perps get unruly, PDA Police would walk the halls, eyes scanning for any sort of physical content that could be defined as “grody” or “uncomfy.”

In this way, administrators would not have to define PDA and wouldn’t have to worry about regulating what is and is not allowed within the walls of NCHS. (I am available and more than qualified to be chief of PDA Police).

2. A “PDA Purge” in which once a month, all PDA is allowed and students are not stopped or penalized for whatever despicable acts of saliva-filled physicality. This would be done in hopes that on every other day PDA is reduced to a minimum and could even be more punishable on a regular day.

Similarly, if the purge is considered undesirable, we could designate an unused room as a PDA safe zone. This way, couples can still be making out during passing periods, but it is out of sight for us civilized students who wish not to be bothered by such obscenities.

3.  My final proposal would entail normalizing PDA to all students making them numb by participation. Every year, students are paired up with a PDA partner with which they have to fulfill an affection quota. If every student is participating in PDA, in theory, it should bother no one when it is stumbled upon in the hallway, because it is a part of the student experience as a Redhawk. If a student is not meeting his or her quota, they can be punished to ensure complete desensitization of PDA.