Number three: Mac n’ Cheese

I am here to donate ammunition to my haters. I am coming out as lactose intolerant. I watch my brothers and family enjoying something that makes me poop a lot. It does taste good but with the sliver of power I’m being donated via the opinions page I will denounce Mac n’ Cheese. I will sneak laxatives into the Mac n’ Cheese so everyone else releases the largest kahuna on Thanksgiving night and they can feel what I feel.

Number two: Mashed potatoes

This one is highly arguably unlike the others. I have had good mashed potatoes but typically they are filled with dairy. It’s not versatile, it’s not particularly good tasting, and it makes me poop. 

Number one: Turkey

The feathers of the turkey feel like they are attached to the sides of my throat. Maybe I don’t produce enough saliva to act as a lubricant for the world’s driest meat, but I bet some struggle to swallow the flavorless bird that didn’t have to die for such an awful cause. The only people able to choke down turkey are clearly using the dark arts. They are in a line with Pavlov’s dog hoping for sustenance no matter the flavor. It is not the 1600s. Let’s move on.