The green grape vs. red grape debate has been fought ever since the people of South Caucasus invented grape juice, back in 6000 B.C. But I know these people would agree with me when I say just how infinitely better green grapes are than red grapes.

For starters, the color red essentially symbolizes the evil these grapes are. If Satan and Hades gave birth to a grape, it would be a red one.

People who say they like the look of red grapes are just like those who think newborns are adorable. They’re both lying to themselves.

Not to mention, the taste of green grapes is undeniably better. Green grapes have this tangy, flavorsome punch to them, rich in antioxidants and vitamins.

 Healthline even says “green grapes may help prevent cardiovascular disease”. Notably, Healthline says nothing about the abominations (red grapes) preventing cardiovascular disease.

Finally, the texture of green grapes is so much better. My co-writer Emma Dram even said the skin of red grapes tastes “starchy.” Who in their right mind would want food that tastes starchy? 

No one.

In contrast, the skin of green grapes is firm and provides that aesthetically pleasing ASMR crunch that you find yourself searching for videos of at 3 am.

Though I doubt I need to tell you this, green grapes are undeniably better than red grapes in almost every way. From look, to taste, to texture, they’re simply superior. Even white wine tastes better than red. Not that I, as a 15-year-old high school student, would know. But the people of South Caucasus would. And I’m sure they’d agree.